Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.