They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out