“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
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If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
absolutely not
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks