Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
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Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.