[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
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(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”