They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
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Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.