My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
japanese corn
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it