Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught