There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.