prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
incredible book dedication
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Most fashion shows these days…
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.