That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
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her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
oh my gosh!!
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.