If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.