Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
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I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
oh no, steve’s working tonight
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army