*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
What fresh Hell is this?!?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.