My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
When I grow up, I want to be 16
being a writer on Twitter:
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk