Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
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My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Coffee is ready.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.