*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
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Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.