Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry