[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
You Might Also Like
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Meow?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.