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[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Never forget.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen