*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.