Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
huge if true: the moon
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”