Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
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Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”