If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
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Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Whisper out to librarians!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.