What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
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Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Thursday Thought.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
classic mixup
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.