Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
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[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.