Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
You wish you had this many chins.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
finally
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.