My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
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Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
honestly, i need both:
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.