*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
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My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect