I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
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doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
what’s more important?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
🤣🤣🤣
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”