If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
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“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
A dad and his duck
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.