Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
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me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
❤️❤️❤️
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.