Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Investing in beetcoin
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I can also cook 😂
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it