me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
kitchen magnet
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?