[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
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i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”