My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
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Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.