Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
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My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes