Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
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I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.