My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
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When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
accurate
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
live, laugh, laundry.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I can fix him.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”