the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
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Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
me opening up to someone
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.