Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
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me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Incredible customer service.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”