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Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.