Kermit goes Blue.
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I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.