I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
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ATMs should have breathalyzers
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
incredible book dedication
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many