i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
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if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”