If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
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me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
wow he looks just like him