facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
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Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
🤭😂
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.