Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
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Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
No way!
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*