Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
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If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Holy crap this is wonderful
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.