To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
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A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.